Stephenie Meyer

If you’re a 14 year old girl, your reaction to that title was probably ‘OMG, she’s such an amazing author; she created Edward. He’s so awesome. I’m going to marry him. I’m going to be Mrs Edward Cullen.’ If you are anyone else, your reaction was probably more along the lines of 'Oh. My. God. Seriously, who edited and published her work and thought it was of a good literary standard?' To the former group, I’d just like to say: Aim higher, you can do better! Fantasise about a boyfriend who can take you on nice, sunny beach holidays without getting hooked up by the FBI for looking like a giant Swarovski crystal. That’s just not cool. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a post bashing Stephenie Meyer as a person, or even bashing her books in general, I promise; it’s just one aspect of her books that particularly bugs me (and Emily) and I have to say something. I realise that criticising Twilight is kind of an ‘in’ thing. If you’re interested in a brilliant and funny critique of Twilight, look up Alex Day on YouTube, he’s awesome. I personally don’t think it’s ok to go around moaning to everyone about what a terrible book Twilight is. All books have some positive points if they get people reading more, and spending less time texting or tanning or whatever the hell it is teens are doing these days. If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but just concentrate your efforts on things you do like. Simple.

I’m not the kind of person who goes around criticising others for the sake of it, or pointing fingers and calling people or their ideas stupid; it’s just not nice. Meyer was inspired to write Twilight based on a dream she had about the two main characters Bella (human) and Edward (big sparkly vamp), and what’s wrong with that (apart from the sparkling thing)? In case you hadn’t realised by now, I’m a big believer in signs, whether they be horoscopes, gut feelings, magpies, people’s behaviour or even dreams. Maybe Stephenie Meyer is the same, maybe she interpreted her dream as a sign that she should write a book, and that’s fine. The book actually has a pretty good, if well used, basic plot: boy meets girl, boy turns out to be a vampire, boy wants to eat girl because she’s totally awesome, boy finds some inner strength to resist. Hey presto, you have yourself one happy ending where nobody get’s drained of blood, except maybe a Bambi. It’s basically a book about high school, with fangs. That’s all good, until Stephenie Meyer decided that once her characters had passed these supposedly insurmountable obstacles, of Bella being the dinner and the date all in one, like some shampoo and conditioner combo, they should start procreating! This is what I have issues with!

Any self-respecting vampire book, movie or TV show knows that a human-vampire relationship can’t end with a happily ever after. It just can’t. The fact that one half of the couple is alive and well, and the other is essentially a glamorous corpse is not something you can brush under the carpet and forget about when it’s convenient for your plot line. One of them will age, one won’t. One will always want to eat the other; I’m not a psychologist yet, but even I can see that this would put undue strain on even the most stable relationships. They would never be able to have children. I’m sorry Stephenie Meyer, did you fail biology when you were at school? Just in case you missed what I said, I’ll repeat it: they would never be able to have children! Did you get it that time? I love vampire shows, I have all the seasons of Buffy and Angel on DVD, I watch The Vampire Diaries and Being Human religiously, I think True Blood is interesting enough. Do you know what all these shows have in common? Female humans in relationships with male vampires. Do you know what else they all have in common? None of them can have children. Ever. This very topic was wonderfully, awkwardly, covered in Season 2 of Buffy. For those of you not in the know, at this point Buffy the vampire slayer is still in a relationship with Angel, a 150+ year old vampire, and for a school assignment Buffy had to look after an egg like a pretend child.

Buffy: Oh, I told you, that faux parenting gig we're doing at school. (faces him) Like I'm really planning to have kids anytime soon. Uh, maybe *some*day, in the future, when I'm done having a life, but... right now kids would be just a little too much to deal with.
Angel: I wouldn't know. (looks at her) I don't... Well, you know, I, I can't. (Loosely interpreted, I take this to read: I don’t produce sperm. Well, you know, I, I can’t...BECAUSE I’M DEAD!)
Buffy: Oh. (looks away briefly, then back) That's okay, um... I-I figured there were all sorts of things vampires couldn't do. You know, like work for the Telephone Company, or volunteer for the Red Cross, or... have little vampires.

And that’s how it should always be. But no, Stephenie Meyer decides to be different. It’s one thing to be different by having sparkly vampires that don’t burn in the sun. I’m entering into the book/movie aware that it’s about mythical creatures so I’m not expecting factual accuracy, my disbelief is already suspended and I can stretch it further to believe that vampires sparkle. Whatever. I cannot not not, no matter how much of my disbelief I suspend or hang upside down or throw out the window, believe that corpses can produce sperm to fertilise an egg and make a baby. Sperm, no matter how freaky and alien it may look, is still a living thing. Dead people (vampires) cannot produce anything living as it takes blood and oxygen and hormones, all things that dead people no longer have otherwise they wouldn’t be dead, and hence no sperm. This is a fact that appears to have conveniently passed Meyer by. Yet throughout the books she reminds us constantly, mostly through Bella’s whingeing, that Edward is cold to the touch, and feels like stone...a bit like a corpse, perhaps? And if it is in fact the case that dead guys can produce sperm and make babies, then what about the women in Stephenie Meyer’s book? Why can’t Rosalie have children with Emmett? Why is it one rule for men, and another rule for women? Because if you’ve got one dead person able to procreate with apparently zero difficulty, then why not 2 dead people? If you’ve got one dead person in the relationship, you may as well have a million for all the difference it will make.

So, I don’t know if Meyer's planning to write any more books, or if she's planning to write any more about vampires in particular. It’s great that she follows her dreams (literally), but next time hopefully she'll follow them through a science book, or at least an advisor who can tell her when her ideas are getting a bit silly again. It would save a lot of people a lot of distress I would imagine.

“Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need. And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.” Bella Swan, Twilight

Love, Lalita xxx

The six letter word

Hello fellow readers,

Friendship is an amazing gift that one can get, you will be surprised to know the amount of people that actually get good friends. someone to share your thoughts, feelings and those little dark crazy secrets with, ofcourse these are not things you can do with the shop keeper who you top your oyster card up from, nope that's normally just a casual "Hello, How are you?" or to the bus driver when you say "hello" and "thank you" before you leave, any Londoners reading this will find that statement weird, don't worry, its not your fault its more of a "country" thing.

I think what the LAKE's have in common and what brings us together, despite that fact that we are actually very different people, is our general love for insanity. I know this will sound a bit strange but its true. I'll give a little example

Lalita - Stalker-ish, likes to look in other peoples bags, likes position
Amanda - Is very morbid, perv-ish
Kathleen - Is obsessed with hair and ham, very perish, conversations often consist of "hahawndfdckshdc"
Emily - Likes violence, perish, generally freaks people out, does not know the meaning to talk quietly

Might not be the most insane things out there but they go alone way if combined together, think about it, better yet, befriend us, please, we need someone normal .. PLEASE!

Now you'll be surprised that even perfect friendships can be put to the test, events/circumstances/words, all can put it to the test, to see if people can crumble and I don't want to be the baron of bad news but something similar has happened to us, there's something, one little thing that has driven one of our beloved friends to the brink of insanity, and that is a simple word, the one word "Danish" (I must at this stage point out that is of no offence to people from Denmark, at all) but yes, danish, so simple to say and spell but it seems to annoy Lalita like no tomorrow, she goes red in the face, her fists start to clench and you can feel the bad vibrations coming through.

Now Lalita is a nice creature, I promise, which is why she will not hurt you when she's upset but she will hurt herself (again, not in some twisted self harming way) by generally keeping this rage within her and then maybe one day exploding, bam! Bye bye Lalita :(

So yes, our friend is almost well, near the end

Moral: don't let something simple come between people, certainly not if its friends :)

Amanda xx

CG-ology

Creativity is . . . .  novelty or uniqueness. Or so our Cognitive Psych lecturer says.

 Bless him, he is a nice guy, always trying to make us laugh. He also said that our ideas are effected by our previous knowledge. In other words, we cannot come up with something unique unless we are geniuses. Which is exactly what we are because right there and then I (Emily lake) came up with a new, unique and totally awesome best seller idea for a new subject which I so bluntly called "CG-ology". The subject is well, about what it says. Its about CG. Now all of you might be wondering how "a" subject can be based on a person. In that case you are not aware (how much ever we want this to be) that CG is not "a" person, it is a type of person. Or if that doesn't satisfy you (and us) then this subject is about "our" CG
So this course will teach you how to smell* a CG from miles away, how to react appropriately if any encounter ever occurs( unlikely). The course will equip you with hints and tips of identifying a CG. For example dull colour clothes, late arrivals, super speeds e.t.c. This is a 1 year express course so we require fast paced individuals who are very passionate about uncovering CGs around them. The course will also include practical tests to judge your skill attainment level. Our open days are around the corner where you can observe us in a real life situation doing what we do best and what you will be able to do too after doing this express and awesome course **
This 1 year course will include the following modules which may last from few days to few weeks or even months ***

1.  How to identify a potential CGs

Here you will learn to pick up important vibes indicating the aspects of potential CGs.


2. Important qualifying traits

Important traits that can strengthen your belief about certain person being a CG

3. Importance of hat

Although this is a part of the important traits of a CG but we believe that the hat ( if any ) plays an important initial part in bringing a potential CG to become the centre of attention ( how much ever they try to be otherwise!)

4. Possible bush take over

From our experience we have witnessed that CGs try to hide their CG-ness through excessive hair growth on their face. This can be a very deceiving skill.

5. Outfits

The clothes play a very important part in the whole CG experience. Our aim is to read between the lines when they are trying to keep a low profile

6. Super speed

One very significant trait of CGs are super speed to bring the illusion of  " Now I am here, now I am not"

7. Social interactions

Having an interaction with a CG is highly unlikely for several reasons. Bu never the less one should have all the knowledge and skills if such an incident occurs

8. History of CG-ology

In this modules we will discuss the history of CGs. All that we have been able to identify and the importance of each one of them and most importantly the importance of the most important one

Other topics include

• mysterious natures
• odd behaviours

*Please refrain from actually smelling them, which might leads to other complications
** Don't try to imitate everything we do, this may also cause problems for you. (such aspects will not be included in the course, for important reasons)
*** In which case the course can last for more than 2 years.

We wish you success in your education

Course administrator
Emily Lake

Course lecturer
Lalita Lake

Course expert
Amanda Lake

Ham expert
Kathleen Lake


     “Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.” David berry