Due to the mass of
news stories deemed more ‘urgent’ and ‘serious’ being reported with consistently
heavy coverage over the last 18 months, it’s highly unlikely that you will have
heard the full story, if anything at all, of the completely tragic Great Picnic
Civil War of 2011-12, and the devastating effect it’s had not only on the
country of Germalyance (for the less geographically-minded reader, that’s
pronounced jer-MALEE-onse) but also the wider world in general. It seems you
can’t open a newspaper or read an online article these days without seeing some
referral to the great swathe of picnic-obsessed refugees and immigrants
swarming Britain’s shores, causing nation-wide shortages of Mr Kipling cakes
and almost decimating the native populations of plastic cutlery. But what do we
really know about these mysterious strangers, the Germalyantes?
From the Republic of
Germalyance’s foundation in 892 AD (incidentally making it the second oldest
republic in the world behind nobody’s favourite number one San Marino), the Germalyanteen
people have generally been seen as a peaceful, laid back group who are more
concerned about production of their infamous pentagon shaped chocolate bar, the
Snowblerone, and their quality clock making. Since the late 1800s,
Germalyanteen clocks have been shipped worldwide (apparently even the Queen is
said to be an admirer- the true mark of quality), serving to remind people of
the time every hour on the hour, with the soft, serene cooing of a turtledove.
Nestled in the Alps, Germalyance was so untroubled by war or national
dissatisfaction it had the fewest police per capita in the world, and no army.
But, I hear you cry, if Germalyance is such a wonderful place to live, such a
mythical fairy-tale land where people obeyed the term
‘make chocolate, not war’ literally, then why have all the Germalyanteen people
fled their idyllic homeland and made their way to Britain? Britain, a country
we can all agree is less Mr Disney and more Brothers Grimm in terms of its
fairy-tale ‘perfection’.
The truth is, the
cause of the Great Picnic Civil War of 2011-12 (from here on referred to as
GPCW 11-12) is something that is such a foreign concept to people in the
British Isles that I fear many of you will struggle to understand it, grumpy
and dissatisfied as you are. You see, joking aside, Germalyance really was the
closest thing on Earth to the mythical ideal of Utopia, making the GPCW 11-12
even more of a tragedy. At no time in Germalyanteen history has anybody ever
been discriminated against due to colour, religion or gender, a statistic that
even the most ‘civilised’ of countries only wish they could boast. If a little
Germalyanteen girl wanted to make clocks, and a boy had dreams of milking cows,
they were encouraged to follow their dreams whole heartedly. In the decade
prior to the GPCW 11-12, happiness ratings for the population were even at an
all-time high, with an average score of 97 out of 100. Who else can honestly
say they are 97% happy with their lives? All the time? Every single day of the
year? It sounds like an impossible feat, doesn’t it, but the Germalyantes did
it, somehow, and kept doing it. In fact, in the decade 2001-20111, the happiness rating only
dropped below 95% one year, during the World Cocoa Shortage of 2006, caused by failed
crops in several African countries. So where did it all go wrong?
Like their
neighbours in Italy and France, the people of Germalyance place extremely high
emphasis on the importance of eating as a family. Unlike the uniquely British
eating phenomenon where the more family members are at the same table the worse
the mood seems to grow, the exact opposite is true for the Germalyantes.
Without fail, they reported experiencing the highest levels of happiness when
surrounded by their families and neighbours, whether for hearty, informal
breakfasts or holiday dinners. Without a doubt, though, their favourite kinds
of meal were picnics. You see, picnics are the ideal meal, as everyone could
bring one dish, no one got stressed over planning, people felt useful, guests could
be added at the last minute and everyone’s happiness rating soared as a result.
This idea of the perfect picnic was so ingrained in the minds of the
Germalyanteen people that when teaching children the ABC in primary school,
each letter of the alphabet was traditionally represented by a picnic food. For
example, C is for Chicken Drumsticks (although in Germalyanese, the word for
chicken actually starts with a P. The idea remains the same, however). For
years without fail, almost since the Republic was first formed, the traditional
Germalyanteen method of transporting picnic food was in specially crafted wicker
baskets. A technologically un-advanced society, by western standards, the
wicker picnic basket was considered the absolute height of food-fashion and
innovation for its entire run. High up in the mountains, with up to 30% of the
country covered in snow all year round, and seasonal snow storms in the valley
regions of the country, the Germalyantes were never short of a way to keep
their food cool during picnics either, using the snow as you or I would a
fridge/freezer. In the summer of 2010, however, due to increasingly warm
temperatures and the lowest amount of snowfall in almost 150 years, the lazy
summer picnics of the Germalyanteen people were suddenly under threat. Sick of
meeting at an arranged picnic sight only to discover a distinct lack of snow, a
disgruntled Germalyante by the name of Anton Vogel decided to take matters into
his own hands. Flying in the face of tradition and everything Germalyance stood
for, he snuck across the border to France2
and laid his hands on a cooler bag, little knowing that this would be the
beginning of the end of life as he knew it….
Vogel unveiled his
new discovery at his birthday picnic a fortnight after its initial purchase, an
event that Germalyanteen scholars now refer to as ‘The Darkness’. When he
arrived at the birthday picnic carrying something other than a wicker basket,
and revealed its function, Vogel’s 78 year old grandmother promptly fainted and
spent nearly a week in hospital recovering. Despite the strong negative
reaction Vogel was unflinching, insisting that cooler bags were clearly
superior to the wicker baskets that were, in his own words “outdated and
inefficient” and had “obviously had their day”3. Although an obvious majority of Vogel’s picnic party
rejected his idea outright and even demanded that Vogel leave, as was to be
expected, his cousin Anna showed interest in Anton’s new contraption. A
university student who studied Philosophy prior to the GPCW 11-12, Anna Fischer
was openly supportive of her cousin from day one, even helping to recruit
followers for his cause by way of flyers and demonstrations given out on
campus. To everyone’s surprise, the word of the cooler bag spread, beyond
campus, out into the streets, spilling into suburbia, until even Germalyanteen
housewives were researching the pros of such a device on the internet. Using
private browsing, of course. In less than three months, the word of Anton Vogel
and his cooler bag has spread right across Germalyance like a great plague,
tearing apart families, alienating supporters in their universities, workplaces
and relationships, causing vandals and protesters to take to the streets in
protest both for and against this change of tradition.
By Easter 2011 it
was clear, due to consistently high levels of civil unrest, that the Republic
of Germalyance was in grave trouble. The government appeared to be doing
nothing to stop the fighting, the looting, the hate crimes occurring on a daily
basis in their streets. Used to 97% happiness ratings, they were ill-equipped
to deal with anything more serious than people complimenting the MPs on the
beautiful flowers grown in the public gardens and the excellent choice of the
colour purple for the new buses. On top of trying to control the anarchic
public, the MPs were also trying (and clearly failing) to put a stop to inter-
and intra-party fighting over wicker baskets versus cooler bags. The government
of Germalyance ceased to function in any capacity on Monday 2nd May
2011. Within one week, on the morning of 8th May 2011, the Republic of
Germalyance was reported by the UN to be in a state of civil war. Although
countries had been looking on with curiosity for a while, at this quaint
country arguing over picnic baskets, the declaration of war shocked the world.
No one, not even the self-proclaimed ‘leader of the free world’ Barack Obama
had had any inclination that the situation in Germalyance was anywhere near severe
enough for war. Relieved to have something to finally take the public’s
attention away from the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the UN sent a troop of
peacekeepers into the country to try and broach the possibility of peace talks
between the two warring factions, ‘The Future’ and ‘The Resistance’. In less
than a month, with any hopes of a negotiation clearly redundant, the peacekeepers
withdrew from Germalyance as the fighting and death toll began to increase. On
returning to the UN, they reported situations that bordered on the ridiculous:
razors being hidden in baguettes, poisoned chocolate supplies, exploding
turtledove clocks and deliberate disturbances of avalanches. Only the strongest
believers actually took to fighting openly in the streets, but that doesn’t
mean that the death toll didn’t rise each day. Although it seems almost funny
to hear about it now, the Blue Berets that returned reported extreme levels of
PTSD in the months following their deployment to Germalyance, claiming that
seeing the ‘most peaceful nation on Earth’ at war was soul destroying and
haunting.
Although the
Republic was completely divided by this point, not everyone wanted, or was able
to, join in the fighting. The elderly, the children, pacifists- none wanted any
part of the war taking place, wishing for a time before Anton Vogel and his
Cooler Bag, a time when going on a picnic was the best part of the day or week,
and the big questions in life were whether to cycle or take the bus to work; a
time when Germalyance was a country with one belief- the wicker basket. Just
like their neighbours the French, and their endless supplies of wine and
cheese. As long as a Frenchman has wine and cheese, all is right with the
world. Appealing to their neighbouring countries for asylum, these people were
booked on flights to several locations in Europe, as near as Germany and as far
away as Iceland, not knowing if or when they’d be able to return home. Grabbing
as many of their belongings as possible, their antique silver cutlery, their
bone China crockery that had been passed down from generation to generation,
and stuffing them into either their picnic baskets or their cooler bags, they
fled their beloved homeland of Germalyance.
And that, ladies and
gentlemen, is the tragic story of the GPCW 11-12. So I ask you, next time you
see a group of women wondering along the street with cake stands and picnic
baskets and thermos’s of tea, don’t judge them. Pity them! These poor people
who, through no fault of their own, have been forced to flee the country of
their birth, the country where many of their family members still reside in
poverty and with little food, never knowing when it will be safe to return once
more. The war is over, ladies and gentlemen, but the scars and guilt last
forever. If you are interested in helping the Germalyance Rebuilding Project,
both Oxfam and Care are accepting donations on its behalf. You can also donate
by text, as of 1.1.2014. Text GRP GIVE
to 803304.
Footnotes
1 Although the GPCW
11-12 did in fact start in May of 2011, happiness data was still collected by
the Germalyanteen government for that year. So supremely confident were they of
their people’s continuing happiness, they felt secure enough to collect the
results on the 1st day of January each year, leading to a well-known
Germalyanese phrase which roughly translates as “Let’s start with happiness in
the new year”.
2 The French
Ambassador to the UK would like it officially noted that while the first cooler
bag imported to Germalyance did indeed come from France, the French are not the
only country to produce said cooler bags and it is merely coincidence and bad
luck that Vogel decided to source his bag from there. As such, France would
like to state on the record that while they are sympathetic of the GPCW 11-12,
they accept no responsibility.
3 Schweiger, P. (2013) Anton Vogel, where did it all go ‘wrong’? Berlin: Kai-Homilius-Verlags Gruppe
4
Texts will automatically deduct £5 (GBP) from your credit balance, or the
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apply.
"I've liked lots of people 'til I went on a picnic jaunt with them," Bess Truman
Love, Lalita xxx
(Temporary ambassador for the Germalyance Rebuilding Project Association)
(Temporary ambassador for the Germalyance Rebuilding Project Association)